Feeling Risky?

Barry and I spoke with an old friend last night and in the midst of the conversation he mentioned something that I can’t get out of my head.  He said:

“The average life span consists of roughly 70 years.  70 years equals around 25,000 mornings. Don’t allow anything to stand in the way of you making the most of your life”

I pulled out my calculator and figured out that I am on morning number 11,130.

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When I was 19 I jumped off of a cliff…literally.  I was at Lake Travis with some friends and they decided to go cliff jumping.  Naively, I ran, leaping from the 60 ft. cliff (okay, maybe I am embellishing a little) and hit the water ribs and hips first. It scared me so badly that I drank in half of the lake in my attempt to scramble back to the surface of the water.

Point of this story…don’t jump off cliffs in Austin, TX in the middle of a drought.  But, in the same breath I would also like to say…

Don’t avoid the deep waters just because of one bad experience.

There have been a number of instances where I took a risk and it ended with me limping away or wishing that I would have just played it safe.  But…there are also the times where I just went for it.  I took a step of faith and it ended up being the best decision of my life.  The deep waters I landed in gave me the ability to experience life in a new way.  They made the walls disappear, they gave me freedom and made me trust.

In many instances…the deep waters were what saved me.

What about you?  Are there some risks you are facing…but you have been afraid to take them?  Is there anything standing in the way of you making the most of your 25,000 mornings?

Can No = Yes?

When Barry and I came to California to interview for the ministry position at our current church, we fell in love with everyone and everything immediately.  We realized within hours of our arrival that we were home.

During that weekend we engaged in a number of conversations with the elders and pastors, church leaders and youth.  It was an amazing time and we felt the spark of excitement about ministry rekindled in our hearts….hearts that at one time were so raw…we thought we would never be fit for ministry again.  It was a time of saying “Yes” to what we felt God was calling us to do.  It was humbling to think that He would trust us and ask us to pastor again.  With thankful hearts…we agreed to follow His direction and will.

At one point during the interview process the senior pastor asked me if I still enjoyed working in the administrative side of ministry.  His question allowed me to recognize an area of my heart that was aching to be free.   As soon as the word administration came out of his mouth I felt my stomach turn…the thought of going back to that familiar side of ministry felt so constricting and depressing.

I spent years behind a desk, organizing events, raising funds, printing calendars and making phone calls…and honestly it drained the life out of me.  Even though I fought for excellence in what I did…it was not fulfilling for me.

With a hesitant voice…I told him No.  I realized in that moment that I honestly didn’t want anything to do with that side of the church ever again.  I wanted to believe for more…I wanted the freedom to allow God to awaken other things within me…I wanted to say “Yes” to new things…new dreams.

Now that I look back on that moment, I realize I had to say “No” to that so I could say “Yes” to something else.  And I’m happy to report…it worked!

The last two years have changed my life and my view of myself.  I’m finding creativity around every corner.  The love to write has been renewed in my heart…I enjoy photography…I enjoy being free to explore so many avenues of ministry.  Avenues that were bottled up inside of me….avenues that were only allowed to flourish when I was brave enough to say “No”.

What about you?  Are you in a place where you need to say ‘No Thanks” to old ways of operating so that you can say “Yes” to the new season God may have waiting for you?

Are You Afraid Too?

I am Afraid…but I don’t want to be…

Recently I logged on to Anne Jackson’s blog and read an old post titled “Are You Afraid to be Amazing?”  Anne’s blog is wonderful and if you would like to check it out, you can click here.  Here’s the excerpt from Anne’s post that got my attention:

I wish I had it figured out by now. I’ve forgiven, the bitterness usually stays at bay, but that fear of getting crushed again keeps a part of me silenced. I’m afraid to?be amazing -?to live to my full potential?-?because last time I was there, my dreams were shot through the heart.

What about you? I know with as many people read this blog, there have got to be some walking wounded. We are each responsible for our own healing…I’m not as consistent as I’d like to be, but I try taking risks or speaking my mind even when it’s scary. What are some steps that you’re taking to live again and to trust again?

This portion of her post struck a chord in me.  I realized that in some ways I am afraid to be amazing.  But why?  Why would I not want to be the most amazing wife, mom, writer…the most amazing at whatever I set out to do? 

I think for me it’s composed of a number of reasons, but the biggest one is that in times past when I have put my entire self out there…to be amazing…my efforts left me exhausted and hurt.  I worked so hard to do my best, to give my everything for the cause in front of me…and it was never really enough. 

I was never amazing. 

The reality of that is hard to grapple with, hard to wrap my mind around and difficult to come to terms with.  But, in the process of making that realization, I also recognized that I am starting to make progress.  I am healing and for me…writing freely is a major part of it.  Speaking my mind, expressing the cares that leave me laying awake at night.  I’m growing through the pain…that is progress for me. 

For years I was silenced and contained.  But…now…I’m not afraid to be vocal.  And personally… I’m thinking that is kind of amazing.

Wrestle vs. Run

“Babe, you’ve wrestled with God a number of times in your life…but you never ran away from Him.”

I looked up to see Barry smiling in my direction as he spoke.  I was slightly downcast, feeling as though my blog has become an absolute beast.    I never really intended for this to be more than a hobby…something to catalog life in the ministry.  The good times, bad moments and encounters with God.  But, within the last two months things have escalated beyond what I could have ever expected or wanted.  Don’t get me wrong…I understand that there are blogs out there that get hundreds of thousands of hits per day…I am BY NO MEANS in that category.  And in the depths of my heart I hope that I never am. 

So, I guess in a lot of ways I’m back in the wrestling ring.  Asking God the tough questions, taking risks and seeking after truth.  But, in all honesty I feel closer to God in the midst of this season than ever before.  And when I get overwhelmed and feel like running…I make the choice to run to Him.

Define Me

Sorry for my lack of posting this last week.  I hope everyone is doing great and enjoying the Holiday weekend!  I would like to take a moment and say a HUGE THANK YOU to all of our soldiers.  We enjoy freedom as a result of your sacrifice.  I am forever thankful to you and your beautiful families for your willingness to serve our GREAT NATION!  May God Bless you and Protect you.  We love and appreciate you so much!

I have written this entry a few times over the last couple of days, but it hasn’t seemed to flow or come together.  I’ve tried different titles and ideas…but still the words fell flat.  I’m guessing that maybe it’s for a reason.  Maybe my words need to disappear so that the real point can be discovered.

My husband sent me a text this week that inspired me and brought me to tears.  He simply said that while he was praying for me, he felt like God wanted him to tell me that He (God) thinks I’m marvelous.  Let me just say for anyone that doesn’t know me…I’m not sharing this to sound weird or prideful.   I really hope it doesn’t appear that way or come across in the wrong manner.  To be honest, I often see the other side of things.  I tend to see all of my faults.  I think that’s why that simple text message meant the world to me.  I was so focused on my shortcomings I failed to see the impact it was making on my faith and my relationship with God.  I was seeing the glass as empty, when God was wanting it to overflow.

As I begin this week, my goal is to spend some valuable and precious time with the Lord.  I plan to ask Him to start the process of defining me.  At first this idea made me cringe…I wondered what flaws God may need to point out in my life.  But as Barry and I talked this evening I began to see that my thinking was casting a shadow on this important quest .  God is not beckoning me to draw near for a rebuke…He is calling me close in love.  He is drawing me near so that He can place His value upon my life.  He desires to bring definition to ME…not my shortcomings.

Heartache to Healing

Update:  The My Story Page is no longer password protected.  Thanks – Jana

Over the last week, I’ve corresponded with a number of people regarding a new page on my blog.  It’s titled My Story…

To be perfectly honest it should be called Our Story because so many people I know can relate.  I wish I knew why the church in general has caused so much grief for the people who comprise its membership and leadership.  I’m learning in all of my years of attending and serving the church, heartache is rampant and abuse is on the rise.  It saddens me to think about the number of people who find pain when all they are longing for is peace.

There is so much to say and I wish I could talk personally with every person reading this right now.  Barry and I know how difficult it can be to recover from wounds caused by the church and/or by its leadership.  Thankfully, after years of heartache we are in a place of healing.  A place we never really thought existed.  For us it’s been a combination of many, many things.  A relationship with God, a healthy church and time.  Lot’s of time reading, sitting in silence, crying, laughing and then finally realizing that we are loved and valued by our Heavenly Father.  We can and do hear His voice, understand His direction and enjoy His company.  We have started our journey back to our First Love and it is amazing.

For anyone that would like to read my story and follow along as I recall our journey please feel free to do so.  Because these posts are a little more in-depth and personal I have placed a password on them.  I understand this is a bummer, but I truly want people to feel free to leave their comments and questions without feeling like everyone in cyberspace will read them or critique them. 

I appreciate all of the support and the outpouring of love I have received from this blog.  It has also been part of the healing process for me and I am so thankful!

If you would  like for me to send you the password you can contact me via email at jana (dot) bishop (at) gmail.com or you can call, text or facebook me.

Oh…and I will continue doing weekly posts on the Home page as usual…just in case you were wondering.

Many Thanks and Much Love,

Jana

A Transparent Life (part 3)

What is correction, how should Christians handle it and why is it needed?  I’ve pondered all of these questions through the years.  I’ve flourished because of a gentle and timely correction and as you may have read in my last post…I’ve withered as the result of harsh words spoken in an untimely manner.  So, how on earth do you know how and when to say something?  And if you are on the receiving end…how do you handle it?

Unfortunately, I don’t have a ton of theological advice on this subject…but I do have common sense and a love for people.    So, in an effort to wrap up this long series here are a few ideas, examples and an article to keep in mind when you are the giver and receiver of correction.

Here are my thoughts and advice:

CLAP before you correct.

1.  Check – Check your own heart first.  What is your motivation for saying something?  Can you deliver the correction gently and with love?  Do you understand what the Biblical principles are for correction?

2. Love – Make an effort to show them you love them.  It’s amazing how our own hearts can change when we give to someone else.  If you think they are doing something sinful…do something Godly for them.  Bake them cookies, give them a gift card…just do a deliberate act of kindness.  It will help to put your heart in the right place.

3. Ask – Ask yourself “Is this really a SIN in their life or does their behavior just bother me?”  For instance it may really grieve you that someone saw a rated R movie.  In your mind… that is sin.  However, that person may not feel the same way.  This is an area in which you must trust that they are serving God and they are able to hear His voice.  If God is grieved by their action, He will point it out to the individual.

4. Pray – Ask God for His perfect timing before speaking to the person.  Pray for their hearts to be open.  Ask God to reveal anything in your heart that may stand in the way of the correction being delivered in love.  This is your final step…be sure to really spend time in prayer over the subject.  Remember…we all have struggles and sin.  Ask God what He hopes to see as a result of you saying something.  Strive for that result if and when you feel led to address the subject.

If you are on the receiving end:

ASK before you agree.

1. Ask – Ask the person for examples.  Ask them to explain how your action is sinful and how you can overcome it.  Most importantly ask God to help you examine your own heart.

2. Seek God – Like I said before, no one is perfect.   We all have sins and issues.  Sometimes our lives will reflect our struggles without us even realizing it.  That’s when we need others to help point us in the right direction.  If something is pointed out to you, don’t just repent based on what the other person says.  Take time to seek God about the subject.  Let Him speak to you and show you where your heart may need some remodeling.

3. Know – Study your Bible and get to know God’s word.  Not only will it help you to identify sin in your life, it will help you to avoid sin.

Here is an article a good friend of mine sent me when she heard I was doing this series.  I found it very helpful and I appreciated the Biblical references. When Should a Christian try to correct Another Christian:

Thanks for hanging in there with me for the last 3 weeks!  Now, let’s move onto some lighter topics for a while.  Does anyone have some suggestions or questions you would like to discuss or read about?

A Transparent Life (part 2)

It was 2007 and I had just recuperated from a painful miscarriage.  After almost five years of marriage, I was ready to become a mother. My arms were empty and my heart was aching.  I spent months planning and preparing my body to be able to carry a child to full term.  My eye was on the goal and I was not about to be distracted.  After many heartfelt talks Barry and I set a time frame to begin trying for a family again.  Everything within me rejoiced at the thought of finally becoming a mom…there were no words to describe the excitement and peace I felt at the prospect.

I was cleaning the house when Barry walked into the living room.  He looked somewhat downcast, but then again our season of life was proving to be more difficult than we could have ever imagined.  I had become accustomed to this look of defeat…it was almost expected.  He grabbed the bleach stained rag I was holding and placed it on the counter.  In one motion he reached for my hand and led me to sit down.  With determination in his voice, he asked if we could talk.  I was a little taken aback, after all I was normally the one asking this question.  But his eyes were wet with tears and I could feel the tension in the room escalate.  I knew he was about to deliver a devastating message to my fragile heart.

I left the room in sobs and quickly dialed our pastor’s home phone number.  It was an act of desperation, a moment in which I wanted to be heard.  I knew once he talked to me, he would understand and recant his uninformed advice.  After all…maybe he just misunderstood. 

When he picked up the phone, my voice shook.  I felt a tide of emotion rise up within me as I struggled to speak what was so heavy on my heart.  I was left very fragile and bruised after the events surrounding the loss of our first child .  I needed reassurance and understanding.  I needed to know for myself why he told Barry that we should wait on starting a family.  I had to know why he denied our request for health insurance.  I just needed to understand why my husband who was so dead set on becoming a father came home questioning his ability to lead our home.  I needed answers, and I wanted them to come straight from the source.   

As I sat on the other end of the phone…I wept uncontrollably.  Instead of hope, I received a rebuke.  Instead of reassurance, I received correction.  Instead of understanding, I received harsh words and responses that left me battling fear.  I had no resolution, just an ever-increasing feeling of being trapped.  I was told I was a Jezebel.  I was told stories of wives who acted like me and how their husbands left them.  I was informed that we were ungrateful and burdensome.  I was told to repent.

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Looking back I cannot justify the words that were spoken to me that night over the phone.  Nor the times that followed.  My heart was not perfect, but it was pure.  My pastor was in a tough spot.  He was trying so hard to lead a number of growing churches and staff members.  He had numerous people pulling for his time and attention.  It was easier to dump water on a spark than to try to extinguish gently.  His words were not meant to sting or hurt and for that I cannot fault the man we served under for many years.  However, I can say that I do not stand behind that method of correction and I am trying to learn from those moments… as hard as they were.

Some of you may have read an earlier post that I did on repentance titled More Than Forgiveness.  In that entry I recalled one of the most heartfelt and endearing moments in my Christian walk.  It was one in which I gently felt my Heavenly Father pointing out areas in my life that He wanted to work on.  Areas in which I not only needed freedom, but I whole heartedly desired it.   Even now, recalling that morning brings absolute joy to my heart.  It was one of those life changing times…so tender and beautiful.   It was correction at it’s finest and that is what I would like to focus on now.

God knows every area of our heart and He is more than capable of pointing things out in the right timing and in the right way.  It’s exciting to think about God’s way of correction.  It always brings hope and it’s always done in love.  It may not be easy, but God is trustworthy.  He is committed to forming us into His image and for that, I am very thankful!

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I wish I could wrap this up.  I really had no intention of dragging this out…but I feel I need to write a couple of more things before I can hang my hat on the subject.  This is one of those vulnerable entries…one that makes me bite my nails after I post it!  I can only pray that it is read with the same heart that it is written. 

Next week, I really want to talk about what the Bible says about this topic and discuss ways in which we can lovingly bring correction if needed.

So, until then please feel free to leave your comments.  I always value what others have to say on my entries.

Many Thanks,

Jana

A Transparent Life (part 1)

I grew up telling on myself.  If I did something wrong and I felt guilty…I couldn’t keep it a secret for very long.  But, if I did something that someone else thought was incorrect and I didn’t agree…well then, too bad for everyone involved.  I wasn’t going to budge, much less offer up an apology.  Not until I knew in my mind and in my heart that I was wrong.  Oh, what it must have been like to raise me… a justice driven only child with red-hot irish blood pulsing through my veins.  I’m sure it was no picnic.

I still tell on myself.  I can’t help it.  I want people to know that I am hopelessly flawed.  I want them to see the real me.  No fluff, no unrealistic expectations…nothing in the way of myself.  So, I don’t mind you knowing that I love reality television.  I can spend hours watching real housewives bicker and get plastic surgery all day long.  I’m still carrying an extra 30 pounds from my pregnancy with Rowan…and sometimes I cry because I hate how I feel.  I often have to fight back comparing myself to others.  It seems as though everyone else got all the luck and I’m the underdog.  For the last several years I have promised myself and others that I would start college, I even filled out an application.  But, I never went.  Maybe next semester?

See, I feel somewhat comforted putting all of this out into cyberspace for everyone to read.

But, these are the things I know that make me imperfect and flawed.  What about the things I don’t see?  For someone like me, I can’t just go off of what someone else may see in my life, I need the proof for myself.   So, as a disciple and discipler, as a leader who is being led, or as a pastor’s wife who is being pastored how do we get to the point where we can trust what others may need to point out in our life?  Even beyond that, how do we point out things in the lives of others that may need a little push in the right direction?

To Be Continued…

Better Late than Never

We raced to the terminal, dragging our luggage behind us as we ran.  I was out of breath by the time we reached the irritated attendant at the flight desk.  She displayed her aggravation with great pleasure by rolling her eyes and sighing loudly.  But, at that moment, I really didn’t care that I had become the subject of scrutiny.  I was so happy that we weren’t going to spend the night on the floor of the airport. 

As we boarded, I ignored the glaring passengers and gleefully skipped to my seat.  Despite the fact that we were the cause of a ten-minute delay, I pushed aside my feelings of guilt.  All that mattered was that we made it onto the plane and we were headed home.  The hurried events of the week faded into the background as we snuggled in closer and prepared for the long trip ahead.  Barry and I drifted off to sleep as we flew into the setting sun.  The future seemed to hold fresh hope and we were thrilled at the thought of dreaming again.

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Have you ever felt as though you missed your window of opportunity?  Do you have seasons of life that you can look back on with regret?  Maybe you decided to pass up a job or gave up on a business venture too soon.  Or perhaps you dedicated so much of your time to one aspect of life, you forgot to look up and see the world around you. 

Lately I’ve given a lot of thought to my past.  Not thoughts of regret or disdain, I’ve just spent some time reflecting.  Now that I am officially in my 30′s, I have taken a moment to consider the decisions that have brought me to this point.  Some of them make me smile with pride (the good kind, just in case you were worried ) and other’s have left me scratching my head in bewilderment. 

But despite my lack of clarity on each and every season.  I have come to a couple of conclusions. 

1. It’s never too late to pursue God

and

2. It’s never too late to go after your dreams

At this time in life it would be easy for me to give up on the desires of my heart.  After all, many of them have sat on the shelf for years.  But, it seems as though the more I struggle to push them aside, the more they push back. 

Even though I feel like I’m running feverishly through the airport of life so I don’t miss the flight to my future…I am also resting in the knowledge and peace that God is in control.  I may have endured some set backs through the years and life may have thrown me some surprises along the way, but my story doesn’t end here.  Right now, I truly feel as though God is waiting for me to take confidence in knowing that He is the one who put those desires in my heart.  He gave me those dreams.  I am trusting that as I follow His lead and rejoice in His timing… some of those crazy, outrageous dreams might just take flight.

Do you have dreams that seem to be dying?  Take heart in knowing that God is a Redeemer…He can breathe fresh life into the dry bones of our past and give us hope for the dreams of tomorrow.

Much Love,

Jana